The No Title Post

I'm pondering what keeps me going and how others with chronic illness keep moving forward.

What inside led me to follow my instinct by visiting several doctors, demanding tests and refusing multiple diagnoses for 4 years?  What is the fire that persuades those with chronic illness to disregard what they are being told by professionals and search for the truth?  I'll never forget the feeling, seeing a new doctor for the first time, he walked through the door and the first thing he said to me, "What's a healthy girl like you doing here?"  I was ridiculously ill, but I guess I didn't appear that way to Mr. doctor.  I pleaded with him to test me for Lyme disease and he eventually caved. He tested with the ELISA test that came back negative, like it does for all Lyme patients without a new infection.  Later I had to endure, "I told you it wasn't Lyme."  Why did I pursue further testing to find my answer?

What makes me get up in the morning and fight through my symptoms and go to work? Why are my workouts so intense every single day that they end with me lying on the floor, with parts of my body that have completely given out?  I can't explain the burning in my brain and body that pushes me to total exhaustion but I can try.  Some fight for their children, family, and career.  I don't have that.

What I have is a broken Becky and all I can try to do is fix her.  That's my life, every single day. I've been in terrible parts of my brain, felt extremely isolated and lonely, have had more pain than I would ever wish on anybody, and I've only moved forward from my breaking point.  Setbacks are real and they happen regularly.  I still pretend to be okay when I'm not, and quite frankly I'm not sure if I see an endpoint to this hell but with all that said, my stride is still a continuous forward movement.

I give props to anybody that has fought through an illness or disease.  I get it.  For me working hard isn't an option anymore, it's a gift. I've seen improvements, some days more so than others!  I get up and go to work extremely fatigued and pumped up on more antibiotics than my body can handle right now because I remember the times I struggled to get through days from exhaustion and pain;  hiding my misery from others and scared because I didn't understand why I felt sick.

My workouts are as intense as I can make them because I've spent years with crippling muscle pain. It was just a few months ago that riding a bike indoors made me dizzy and sick and walking was the only form of exercise I knew for months. Even when walking I felt my knees could give out at any moment.  I work hard because there were days I couldn't get out of bed and taking my body for granted is not an option I feel comfortable with.  Same goes for my brain, just months ago my brain was so messed up I couldn't speak, drive, read, or process information well. There is no alternative than to teach myself things I never thought capable of learning.

There is something to be said for the person who battles with an invisible and incurable disease on a daily basis.  You too are the reason I still fight, because I am not alone. My strength will give you strength and our strength will change to world.

I cannot give up.  The fire inside only leads me to believe that there is a plan for me in this life. I am destined to do amazing things.

I cannot wait to see my doctor today!  My medicine needs to be switched and I have this intense feeling of lets do this!  Put an IV in my arm, a power port in my heart, I will bring it with me where I go. Whatever needs to be done, let's knock this shit out.  Let's do this because I can't take this recent bout of fatigue that has been going on for far too long!

P.s. from my last post...My heart is OK! EKG turned out normal.
Also, I've also got Smith blood, my dad's fighting cancer like a beast!

Thanks for reading.