Monday, February 8, 2016

What Do I Even Say

What do I even say about this last month?  I haven't been wanting to write and that's just because I haven't wanted to face my feelings. By writing I have to acknowledge them, think about them, and have other people see them.  I'm another year older and the years pass by so quickly.  My stomach is in a twist of knots and the anxiety for my future heightens.  Everybody I thought I was, I'm not anymore.  The vulnerability that comes with it is something I am not accustomed to; when you are open you are vulnerable and when vulnerable, you risk pain.  I never allowed myself to bleed before, the blood draw would have been prevented at perforation. I'm trying to find the light in it all.

 You don't grow from the easy times, you grow from the hard times.

I've had a month of setbacks in my treatment.  Symptoms came back that I never thought I would see again and the stress of the unknown is really getting to me lately, with every aspect of my life. I realize that being in treatment for Lyme is like a roller coaster but I thought my hills weren't going to be as steep and the turns not so painful.  I just want my life to be normal again.  I have been so patient with everything, something that does not come easy for me, but I can only take so much.

Here is a sum up of my health that I don't really want to talk about, but I am doing so because this is the reality of Lyme disease.  It is the most painful thing I have ever felt and the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  That is the reality.

I've lost 7 pounds in 8 days, something I didn't think was humanly possible for my body. I believe this to be more stress related, less Lyme related.
My training client watched my knuckle grow to the size of a a marble, after a morning of considerable stress.
I am starting to see a pattern here.

This is hours after it happened.

Why did you do that, grrrrr!  A herx, from stress??

My medication is causing my heart to skip beats, which may now be a permanent heart condition.  I get an EKG on the 28th, so we'll go from there.

I've recently been taken off zythro to prevent heart damage, but I'm still on Levaquin (since November) and I'm scared.  I've actually been pretty scared lately.  Levaquin can cause permanent damage and there are many law suits from other users.  And of course the articles on it are flying around my news feed, making me sick to my stomach.

I see my Lyme literate doctor the first week of march and hopefully we'll change things up.  My muscle pain is aching in my neck and back again, it is ridiculous and is starting to feel like the norm again.
My eyes are fucked but the drops prescribed are helping.

On a positive note.

My energy is back up and my breathing has returned to normal after being taken off Zythro.  I have no idea what was going on but I had shortness of breath the whole time on Zythro, Levaquin, and Amoxicillin.  There is a drug interaction between zythro and levaquin that can cause heart problems and death.  So I think the breathing problems were attributed to the drug combination.  It feels good to be able to breathe again!

I have been able to maintain 5 days a week of consecutive intense exercise for at least 2 months.  This is something that I have not been able to do in a very long time, and my body is responding to it.  The response is shocking to me, it's been so long.  Just SHOCKING.

I love working out in my "Take a bite out of Lyme disease" shirt.

What am I doing about all this stress and health crap?

Epsom salts, bubbles, and some glasses of wine.
Self reflecting, being anti-social one day and the next social.  Reading, writing, cooking, forcing myself to eat salads, movies, uncomfortably long hugs, lots of veggies, like I turned into a vegetarian for a month so I am forced to eat them.  My bed and blankets, walks outdoors, dog sightseeing, accepting acting jobs and invites, and I don't know maybe a little self loathing, exercise, heating pads, fermented foods and girl talk.

I have been feeling very defeated lately and I am trying to remind myself to keep moving forward, take the healing route (sooo less wine), and that everything is going to be okay. 

thanks for reading