Sunday, December 13, 2015

Life is but a Cup, For Some

The other day I started bawling in the pharmacy, I cried so hard the pharmacy technician started crying too.  I love the workers at my pharmacy, they go above and beyond to help me.  I was getting two of my prescriptions refilled and my insurance hadn't kicked in yet, from when I renewed it.  The cost of my medicine was $1000.  The technician assured me everything would be okay and that I just needed my primary doctor to rewrite the prescription for me because my LLMD was out of network, or something.  My primary care doctor had done that once before, for my Bicillin injections;  It was at that time she assured me, "If this helps Lyme patients, then we need to be doing it."  What she was referring to is the use of long term antibiotics and she's right.  If I had taken one short course of antibiotics and followed the cdc guidelines, Lyme disease would have killed me.  Finding a doctor like her is rare and I am really lucky to have her on my side.

I'm stressed, it has not been an easy month for me.

I'm trying to figure out how I am going to pay for my next year of treatment and it's not going well.  I know that I will find a way, there is no other direction for my life to go but Lyme free.  It's hard sometimes to deal with the stresses I face.

Yesterday I was at a friends house and she turned on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  I'm well aware of Yolanda Foster and her struggles with Lyme disease, though I do not watch her show.  In this particular episode she was at the dentist getting her white gold taken out of her mouth, she had already had her mercury fillings removed in hopes the white gold would not effect her health negatively.  But her body still showed elevated levels of heavy metals, which is common for Lyme patients and makes the disease worse and the person sicker.

Telling her oral surgeon not to 'worry about the beauty' of how her teeth ended up looking, she broke down in tears when admitting her fears at the operation.  'I just want to be sure that whatever you take out and put in it's going to be safe,' she cried.  'Wouldn't be great if I just woke tomorrow and I have a normal brain?' she said as she sat back in the operating chair, crying as she added: 'I just want to have my life back, take care of my babies.'

She was explaining to the dentist that she just needs something put in that is not going to continue to make her ill, as she broke down in tears.  It's incredibly hard to watch and it's a feeling I know all too well.  A women who is willing to do anything for her health, who only wants to rid herself of this horrible disease.  That feeling you's gut wrenching.  The moment the tears come on and the utter frustration that you do not have control over your health. The fear that there is something that can prevent you from becoming well.  It is so scary and every single day it sits there on your shoulder like a devil, waiting for something to go wrong.  When shit hits the fan that feeling of pure hell washes over my entire body, freezing me in fear for the moment.  But in the end it only fuels my determination to beat the shit out of Lyme disease.

The only one winning is me.

Yolanda does not belong on that show, Lyme disease has changed her like it changed me and like it changes all the others who endure it.  Life becomes so much more than what's on a fucking Starbucks cup.  
I say that I wish that dumb red cup bullshit was my biggest concern in life right now, but i'm only kidding.  I would hate the person I was if that's what I spent my time fussing over.

P.S  Here is me, on a good day, the day the world worked in my favor and I was able to get my Lyme & Bartonella killing drugs!

My favorite Christmas song:

Thanks for reading!